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Men and women's wrestling training launched in Hawkinge

Contributed by editor on May 19, 2016 - 01:15 PM

 

Men and women will soon be able to take part in wrestling training at the Hawkinge Community Centre.
 


Children's favourite, Fireman Sam makes debut at Kent Life

Contributed by editor on Jun 24, 2013 - 10:30 AM

Children’s favourite Fireman Sam will be making his debut appearance at Kent Life, near Maidstone, on Saturday 29 and Sunday 30 June.
 




Remarkable achievements of the retired are inspiration to us all (Photo)

Contributed by editor on May 12, 2010 - 08:45 AM

By Gazette Correspondent

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.


Free play events in Easter holidays (Photo)

Contributed by editor on Mar 26, 2010 - 08:50 AM

Shepway Council is holding free family play events during the Easter holidays.


English Channel swimming competition

Contributed by editor on Jan 28, 2009 - 12:00 AM

In a competition to cross the English Channel doing only
the breaststroke, there were only three women who entered the race; a
brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

 

After nearly 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore
and was declared the fastest.

 About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore
and was declared the second place finisher.



Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and
promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.



When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the
race, she replied: "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but
I think those two other girls were using their arms."

Thanks to the anonymous reader who sent this in.

 


Rude food or how to serve chicken wings to a man - (Photo)

Contributed by editor on Jan 19, 2009 - 05:00 AM

It's amazing how you can dress up a bird - I believe it's called rude food.

Kindly submitted by Finkle

 


Ahhhhhhh leather!

Contributed by editor on Jan 07, 2009 - 08:00 AM

Contributed by Finkle

When a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker,
and his throat gets dry.




He goes weak at the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?







 

It's because she smells like a new car .




Gorilla brussels sprout's farts cause zoo evacuation - (photo)

Contributed by editor on Dec 19, 2008 - 07:00 AM

Bosses at one of England’s top zoos had to evacuate an area after they gave gorillas brussels sprouts for breakfast.

The traditional Christmas veg made the animals cause such a stink the monkey enclosure at Chessington Zoo had to be cleared of visitors.

Keeper Michael Riozzi said: “We’ve started feeding the gorillas brussels because they are packed with vitamin C. Unfortunately, an embarrassing side effect is that it can cause bouts of flatulence in humans and animals alike.”

The stunned zookeeper added: ”I don’t think any of us were prepared for a smell that strong.”

Thanks to Finkle for sending the story

 


A message from The Queen

Contributed by editor on Dec 10, 2008 - 11:23 PM

Thanks to Sean in Australia for this article


 

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as Australia is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only three kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, Australian Rules and rugby (dominated by the Australians and New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (again World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
------------------

God Save the Queen!



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